# Never Split the Difference ## Metadata * Author: [Chris Voss and Tahl Raz](https://www.amazon.comundefined) * ASIN: B014DUR7L2 * ISBN: B01E8FAIDG * Reference: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B014DUR7L2 * [Kindle link](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2) ## Highlights we call this tactic calibrated questions: queries that the other side can respond to but that have no fixed answers. It buys you time. It gives your counterpart the illusion of control—they are the one with the answers and power after all—and it does all that without giving them any idea of how constrained they are by it. — location: [244](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=244) ^ref-37695 --- In the landmark Downs v. United States decision of 1975, the U.S. Court of Appeals wrote that “there was a better suited alternative to protecting the hostages’ well-being,” and said that the FBI had turned “what had been a successful ‘waiting game,’ during which two persons safely left the plane, into a ‘shooting match’ that left three persons dead.” The court concluded that “a reasonable attempt at negotiations must be made prior to a tactical intervention.” — location: [340](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=340) ^ref-52843 --- Roger Fisher and William Ury—cofounders of the project—came out with Getting to Yes,2 a groundbreaking treatise on negotiation that totally changed the way practitioners thought about the field. Fisher and Ury’s approach was basically to systematize problem solving so that negotiating parties could reach a mutually beneficial deal—the getting to “Yes” in the title. Their core assumption was that the emotional brain—that animalistic, unreliable, and irrational beast—could be overcome through a more rational, joint problem-solving mindset. Their system was easy to follow and seductive, with four basic tenets. One, separate the person—the emotion—from the problem; two, don’t get wrapped up in the other side’s position (what they’re asking for) but instead focus on their interests (why they’re asking for it) so that you can find what they really want; three, work cooperatively to generate win-win options; and, four, establish mutually agreed-upon standards for evaluating those possible solutions. — location: [352](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=352) ^ref-9225 --- Cognitive Bias, that is, unconscious—and irrational—brain processes that literally distort the way we see the world. Kahneman and Tversky discovered more than 150 of them. — location: [373](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=373) ^ref-14247 --- BATNA: the Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. — location: [394](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=394) ^ref-60944 --- What were needed were simple psychological tactics and strategies that worked in the field to calm people down, establish rapport, gain trust, elicit the verbalization of needs, and persuade the other guy of our empathy. We needed something easy to teach, easy to learn, and easy to execute. — location: [419](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=419) ^ref-25802 --- It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing. — location: [427](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=427) ^ref-7181 --- Great negotiators are able to question the assumptions that the rest of the involved players accept on faith or in arrogance, and thus remain more emotionally open to all possibilities, and more intellectually agile to a fluid situation. Unfortunately, back in 1993, — location: [557](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=557) ^ref-13389 --- But neither wants nor needs are where we start; it begins with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin. — location: [608](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=608) ^ref-36018 --- are prone to making. If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard and we risk undermining the rapport and trust we’ve built. There’s plenty of research that now validates the passage of time as one of the most important tools for a negotiator. When you slow the process down, you also calm it down. After all, if someone is talking, they’re not shooting. We caught a break when the robbers — location: [631](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=631) ^ref-34471 --- When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist). It applies to the smile-er as much as to the smile-ee: a smile on your face, and in your voice, will increase your own mental agility. — location: [680](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=680) ^ref-1419 --- isopraxism, — location: [710](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=710) ^ref-17279 --- Psychologist Richard Wiseman created a study using waiters to identify what was the more effective method of creating a connection with strangers: — location: [725](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=725) ^ref-59981 --- the average tip of the waiters who mirrored was 70 percent more than of those who used positive reinforcement. — location: [728](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=728) ^ref-5538 --- ■    A good negotiator prepares, going in, to be ready for possible surprises; a great negotiator aims to use her skills to reveal the surprises she is certain to find.         ■    Don’t commit to assumptions; instead, view them as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them rigorously.         ■    People who view negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their head. Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.         ■    To quiet the voices in your head, make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say. — location: [883](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=883) ^ref-19434 --- Slow. It. Down. Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making. If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. You risk undermining the rapport and trust you’ve built.         ■    Put a smile on your face. When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist). Positivity creates mental agility in both you and your counterpart. — location: [891](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=891) ^ref-8248 --- The late-night FM DJ voice: Use selectively to make a point. Inflect your voice downward, keeping it calm and slow. When done properly, you create an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness. — location: [897](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=897) ^ref-13913 --- 2.   The positive/playful voice: Should be your default voice. It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you’re talking.         3.   The direct or assertive voice: Used rarely. Will cause problems and create pushback.         ■    Mirrors work magic. Repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and encourage your counterparts to reveal their strategy. — location: [899](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=899) ^ref-45240 --- That’s why, instead of denying or ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify and influence them. They are able to precisely label emotions, those of others and especially their own. And once they label the emotions they talk about them without getting wound up. For them, emotion is a tool. — location: [919](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=919) ^ref-33094 --- Emotions aren’t the obstacles, they are the means. — location: [921](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=921) ^ref-17689 --- The psychotherapist pokes and prods to understand his patient’s problems, and then turns the responses back onto the patient to get him to go deeper and change his behavior. That’s exactly what good negotiators do. — location: [923](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=923) ^ref-29156 --- of a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition.” That’s an academic way of saying that empathy is paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world. — location: [947](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=947) ^ref-27600 --- Notice I didn’t say anything about agreeing with the other person’s values and beliefs or giving out hugs. That’s sympathy. What I’m talking about is trying to understand a situation from another person’s perspective. One step beyond that is tactical empathy. Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow. It’s bringing our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to getting an agreement done. It’s emotional intelligence on steroids. As a cop in Kansas City, I was curious about — location: [949](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=949) ^ref-23918 --- Sun Tzu called “the supreme art of war”: to subdue the enemy without fighting. — location: [980](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=980) ^ref-40217 --- Labeling is a way of validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it. — location: [991](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=991) ^ref-60865 --- gets you close to someone without asking about external factors you know nothing about (“How’s your family?”). Think of labeling as a shortcut to intimacy, a time-saving emotional hack. — location: [993](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=993) ^ref-45408 --- But when they are asked to label the emotion, the activity moves to the areas that govern rational thinking. In other words, labeling an emotion—applying rational words to a fear—disrupts its raw intensity. — location: [998](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=998) ^ref-34052 --- Labeling is a simple, versatile skill that lets you reinforce a good aspect of the negotiation, or diffuse a negative one. But it has very specific rules about form and delivery. That makes it less like chatting than like a formal art such as Chinese calligraphy. — location: [999](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=999) ^ref-1555 --- NEUTRALIZE THE NEGATIVE, REINFORCE THE POSITIVE — location: [1028](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1028) ^ref-60454 --- basic terms, people’s emotions have two levels: the “presenting” behavior is the part above the surface you can see and hear; beneath, the “underlying” feeling is what motivates the behavior. — location: [1032](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1032) ^ref-47524 --- Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts. — location: [1066](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1066) ^ref-62956 --- In court, defense lawyers do this properly by mentioning everything their client is accused of, and all the weaknesses of their case, in the opening statement. They call this technique “taking the sting out.” — location: [1143](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1143) ^ref-34582 --- ■    The reasons why a counterpart will not make an agreement with you are often more powerful than why they will make a deal, so focus first on clearing the barriers to agreement. Denying barriers or negative influences gives them credence; get them into the open. — location: [1261](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1261) ^ref-3724 --- ■    Pause. After you label a barrier or mirror a statement, let it sink in. Don’t worry, the other party will fill the silence. — location: [1263](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1263) ^ref-40885 --- ■    Remember you’re dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood. So use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions and dynamics. — location: [1271](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1271) ^ref-57119 --- Jim Camp, in his excellent book, Start with NO,1 counsels the reader to give their adversary (his word for counterpart) permission to say “No” from the outset of a negotiation. — location: [1338](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1338) ^ref-50341 --- He calls it “the right to veto.” He observes that people will fight to the death to preserve their right to say “No,” so give them that right and the negotiating environment becomes more constructive and collaborative almost immediately. — location: [1340](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1340) ^ref-7827 --- Politely saying “No” to your opponent (we’ll go into this in more depth in Chapter 9), calmly hearing “No,” and just letting the other side know that they are welcome to say “No” has a positive impact on any negotiation. In fact, your invitation for the other side to say “No” has an amazing power to bring down barriers and allow for beneficial communication. — location: [1350](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1350) ^ref-12067 --- you have to train yourself to hear “No” as something other than rejection, and respond accordingly. When someone tells you “No,” you need to rethink the word in one of its alternative—and much more real—meanings:         ■    I am not yet ready to agree;         ■    You are making me feel uncomfortable;         ■    I do not understand;         ■    I don’t think I can afford it;         ■    I want something else;         ■    I need more information; or         ■    I want to talk it over with someone — location: [1353](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1353) ^ref-11487 --- Then, after pausing, ask solution-based questions or simply label their effect: “What about this doesn’t work for you?” — location: [1362](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1362) ^ref-14632 --- People have a need to say, “No.” So don’t just hope to hear it at some point; get them to say it early. — location: [1365](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1365) ^ref-64779 --- I’ll let you in on a secret. There are actually three kinds of “Yes”: Counterfeit, Confirmation, and Commitment. — location: [1376](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1376) ^ref-7128 --- Though the intensity may differ from person to person, you can be sure that everyone you meet is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives, you’re in the door. — location: [1436](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1436) ^ref-44730 --- you’re not going to logically convince them that they’re safe, secure, or in control. Primal needs are urgent and illogical, so arguing them into a corner is just going to push your counterpart to flee with a counterfeit “Yes.” — location: [1438](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1438) ^ref-62246 --- being “nice” in the form of feigned sympathy is often equally as unsuccessful. — location: [1440](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1440) ^ref-22349 --- Instead of getting inside with logic or feigned smiles, then, we get there by asking for “No.” It’s the word that gives the speaker feelings of safety and control. “No” starts conversations and creates safe havens to get to the final “Yes” of commitment. An early “Yes” is often just a cheap, counterfeit dodge. — location: [1444](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1444) ^ref-7695 --- Whenever we negotiate, there’s no doubt we want to finish with a “Yes.” But we mistakenly conflate the positive value of that final “Yes” with a positive value of “Yes” in general. And because we see “No” as the opposite of “Yes,” we then assume that “No” is always a bad thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. Saying “No” gives the speaker the feeling of safety, security, and control. You use a question that prompts a “No” answer, and your counterpart feels that by turning you down he has proved that he’s in the driver’s seat. Good negotiators welcome—even invite—a solid “No” to start, as a sign that the other party is engaged and thinking. — location: [1458](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1458) ^ref-55772 --- Gun for a “Yes” straight off the bat, though, and your counterpart gets defensive, wary, and skittish. That’s why I tell my students that, if you’re trying to sell something, don’t start with “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” Instead ask, “Is now a bad time to talk?” Either you get “Yes, it is a bad time” followed by a good time or a request to go away, or you get “No, it’s not” and total focus. — location: [1463](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1463) ^ref-4405 --- “Do you want the FBI to be embarrassed?” she said. “No,” he answered. “What do you want me to do?” she responded. He leaned back in his chair, one of those 1950s faux-leather numbers that squeak meaningfully when the sitter shifts. He stared at her over his glasses and then nodded ever so slightly. He was in control. “Look, you can keep the position,” he said. “Just go back out there and don’t let it interfere with your other duties.” And a minute later Marti walked out with her job intact. When I heard Marti do that, I was like, “Bang!” By pushing for a “No,” Marti nudged her supervisor into a zone where he was making the decisions. And then she furthered his feelings of safety and power with a question inviting him to define her next move. The important thing here is that Marti not only accepted the “No”; she searched it out and embraced it. At a recent sales conference, I asked the participants for the one word they all dread. — location: [1479](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1479) ^ref-15145 --- Do you feel that if things stay the way they are, America’s best days are ahead of it? MR. SMITH: No, things will only get worse. — location: [1532](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1532) ^ref-28270 --- One great way to do this is to mislabel one of the other party’s emotions or desires. You say something that you know is totally wrong, like “So it seems that you really are eager to leave your job” when they clearly want to stay. That forces them to listen and makes them comfortable correcting you by saying, “No, that’s not it. This is — location: [1547](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1547) ^ref-15549 --- Another way to force “No” in a negotiation is to ask the other party what they don’t want. “Let’s talk about what you would say ‘No’ to,” you’d say. And people are comfortable saying “No” here because it feels like self-protection. And once you’ve gotten them to say “No,” people are much more open to moving forward toward new options and ideas. — location: [1550](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1550) ^ref-3084 --- “No”—or the lack thereof—also serves as a warning, the canary in the coal mine. If despite all your efforts, the other party won’t say “No,” you’re dealing with people who are indecisive or confused or who have a hidden agenda. In cases like that you have to end the negotiation and walk away. Think of it like this: No “No” means no go. — location: [1553](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1553) ^ref-3736 --- Have you given up on this project? — location: [1561](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1561) ^ref-61590 --- The point is that this one-sentence email encapsulates the best of “No”-oriented questions and plays on your counterpart’s natural human aversion to loss. — location: [1562](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1562) ^ref-26889 --- Break the habit of attempting to get people to say “yes.” Being pushed for “yes” makes people defensive. — location: [1584](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1584) ^ref-28576 --- ■    Saying “No” makes the speaker feel safe, secure, — location: [1591](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1591) ^ref-39256 --- and in control, so trigger — location: [1592](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1592) ^ref-39574 --- Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them into a “No.” That means intentionally mislabeling one of their emotions or desires or asking a ridiculous question—like, “It seems like you want this project to fail”—that can only be answered negatively. — location: [1595](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1595) ^ref-1419 --- If a potential business partner is ignoring you, contact them with a clear and concise “No”-oriented question that suggests that you are ready to walk away. “Have you given up on this project?” works wonders. — location: [1601](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1601) ^ref-42123 --- the Behavioral Change Stairway Model (BCSM). The model proposes five stages—active listening, empathy, rapport, influence, and behavioral change—that take any negotiator from listening to influencing behavior. — location: [1615](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1615) ^ref-58750 --- As you’ll soon learn, the sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually “That’s right.” — location: [1633](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1633) ^ref-50406 --- you convince them to see what you’re trying to accomplish, you have to say the things to them that will get them to say, “That’s right.” The “that’s right” breakthrough usually doesn’t come at the beginning of a negotiation. It’s invisible to the counterpart when it occurs, and they embrace what you’ve said. To them, it’s a subtle epiphany. TRIGGER — location: [1691](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1691) ^ref-19318 --- We were going to use nearly every tactic in the active listening arsenal:         1.      Effective Pauses: Silence is powerful. We told Benjie to use it for emphasis, to encourage Sabaya to keep talking until eventually, like clearing out a swamp, the emotions were drained from the dialogue.         2.      Minimal Encouragers: Besides silence, we instructed using simple phrases, such as “Yes,” “OK,” “Uh-huh,” or “I see,” to effectively convey that Benjie was now paying full attention to Sabaya and all he had to say.         3.      Mirroring: Rather than argue with Sabaya and try to separate Schilling from the “war damages,” Benjie would listen and repeat back what Sabaya said.         4.      Labeling: Benjie should give Sabaya’s feelings a name and identify with how he felt. “It all seems so tragically unfair, I can now see why you sound so angry.”         5.      Paraphrase: Benjie should repeat what Sabaya is saying back to him in Benjie’s own words. This, we told him, would powerfully show him you really do understand and aren’t merely parroting his concerns.         6.      Summarize: A good summary is the combination of rearticulating the meaning of what is said plus the acknowledgment of the emotions underlying that meaning (paraphrasing + labeling = summary). We told Benjie he needed to listen and repeat the “world according to Abu Sabaya.” He needed to fully and completely summarize all the nonsense that Sabaya had come up with about war damages and fishing rights and five hundred years of oppression. And once he did that fully and completely, the only possible response for Sabaya, and anyone faced with a good summary, would be “that’s right.” Two — location: [1702](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1702) ^ref-1646 --- Why is “you’re right” the worst answer? Consider this: Whenever someone is bothering you, and they just won’t let up, and they won’t listen to anything you have to say, what do you tell them to get them to shut up and go away? “You’re right.” — location: [1755](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1755) ^ref-44891 --- It works every time. Tell people “you’re right” and they get a happy smile on their face and leave you alone for at least twenty-four hours. But you haven’t agreed to their position. You have used “you’re right” to get them to quit bothering you. — location: [1757](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1757) ^ref-33689 --- headquarters and could help you communicate better with the top managers.” “That’s right,” he said. “I must admit I need your help in headquarters.” My student realized he had made a breakthrough. Not only had his ex-boss uttered those sweet words—“that’s right”—but he had revealed his true motive: he needed an ally in headquarters. “Is there any other help you need?” he asked. “Let me tell you everything,” the ex-boss responded. It turns out his former superior would be up for a promotion to vice president in two years. He desperately wanted to move up into this job. He needed someone in headquarters to lobby the company CEO. “I would help you in any way,” my student said. “But I could help with the networking and also talk you up to the CEO even if I were at headquarters with the consumer products division, right?” — location: [1809](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1809) ^ref-60794 --- Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door to changing thoughts and behaviors. Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behavior. The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold.         ■    “That’s right” is better than “yes.” Strive for it. Reaching “that’s right” in a negotiation creates breakthroughs.         ■    Use a summary to trigger a “that’s right.” The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm “the world according to . . .” — location: [1844](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1844) ^ref-32985 --- “splitting the difference”—can lead to terrible outcomes. Compromise is often a “bad deal” and a key theme we’ll hit in this chapter is that “no deal is better than a bad deal.” — location: [1886](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1886) ^ref-30955 --- Think back to the ransom demand: Fair is no ransom, and what the nephew wants is to pay nothing. So why is he going to offer $75,000, much less $150,000, for the ransom? There is no validity in the $150,000 request. With any compromise, the nephew ends up with a bizarrely bad result. — location: [1895](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1895) ^ref-43887 --- So don’t settle and—here’s a simple rule—never split the difference. — location: [1900](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1900) ^ref-38396 --- Deadlines regularly make people say and do impulsive things that are against their best interests, because we all have a natural tendency to rush as a deadline approaches. What good negotiators do is force themselves to resist this urge and take advantage of it in others. It’s not so easy. — location: [1907](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1907) ^ref-65370 --- Deadlines are the bogeymen of negotiation, almost exclusively self-inflicted figments of our imagination, unnecessarily unsettling us for no good reason. The mantra we coach our clients on is, “No deal is better than a bad deal.” If that mantra can truly be internalized, and clients begin to believe they’ve got all the time they need to conduct the negotiation right, their patience becomes a formidable weapon. A — location: [1918](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1918) ^ref-9318 --- How close we were getting to their self-imposed deadline would be indicated by how specific the threats were that they issued. “Give us the money or your aunt is going to die” is an early stage threat, as the time isn’t specified. Increasing specificity on threats in any type of negotiations indicates getting closer to real consequences at a real specified time. — location: [1929](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1929) ^ref-34809 --- he’s found that hiding your deadlines dramatically increases the risk of an impasse. That’s because having a deadline pushes you to speed up your concessions, but the other side, thinking that it has time, will just hold out for more. — location: [1955](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1955) ^ref-16190 --- “If you approach a negotiation thinking that the other guy thinks like you, you’re wrong,” I say. “That’s not empathy; that’s projection.” — location: [1977](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1977) ^ref-10609 --- The most powerful word in negotiations is “Fair.” As — location: [1990](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=1990) ^ref-4530 --- Once you understand what a messy, emotional, and destructive dynamic “fairness” can be, you can see why “Fair” is a tremendously powerful word that you need to use with care. — location: [2018](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2018) ^ref-29063 --- How to Become a Rainmaker, — location: [2047](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2047) ^ref-24172 --- pain, and unmet objectives—if you can get at what people are really buying—then you can sell them a vision of their problem that leaves your proposal as the perfect solution. — location: [2050](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2050) ^ref-55736 --- Look at this from the most basic level. What does a good babysitter sell, really? It’s not child care exactly, but a relaxed evening. A furnace salesperson? Cozy rooms for family time. A locksmith? A feeling of security. — location: [2052](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2052) ^ref-25207 --- Know the emotional drivers and you can frame the benefits of any deal in language that will resonate. — location: [2053](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2053) ^ref-25904 --- irrational decisions is something called Prospect Theory. Created in 1979 by the psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky, — location: [2069](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2069) ^ref-50084 --- The theory argues that people are drawn to sure things over probabilities, even when the probability is a better choice. That’s called the Certainty Effect. — location: [2070](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2070) ^ref-31097 --- will take greater risks to avoid losses than to achieve gains. That’s called Loss Aversion. — location: [2071](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2071) ^ref-44898 --- To get real leverage, you have to persuade them that they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through. — location: [2079](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2079) ^ref-37504 --- you have to start with the basics of empathy. So start out with an accusation audit acknowledging all of their fears. — location: [2081](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2081) ^ref-26660 --- By anchoring their emotions in preparation for a loss, you inflame the other side’s loss aversion so that they’ll jump at the chance to avoid it. — location: [2081](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2081) ^ref-4531 --- “I got a lousy proposition for you,” — location: [2088](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2088) ^ref-58803 --- “Still, I wanted to bring this opportunity to you before I took it to someone else,” — location: [2092](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2092) ^ref-43565 --- Suddenly, their call wasn’t about being cut from $2,000 to $500 but how not to lose $500 to some other guy. — location: [2093](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2093) ^ref-19804 --- have left with either the winner’s curse or buyer’s remorse, those gut-wrenching feelings that you’ve overpaid or undersold. — location: [2112](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2112) ^ref-21425 --- The tendency to be anchored by extreme numbers is a psychological quirk known as the “anchor and adjustment” effect. Researchers have discovered that we tend to make adjustments from our first reference points. — location: [2117](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2117) ^ref-37574 --- That’s not to say, “Never open.” Rules like that are easy to remember, but, like most simplistic approaches, they are not always good advice. If you’re dealing with a rookie counterpart, you might be tempted to be the shark and throw out an extreme anchor. Or if you really know the market and you’re dealing with an equally informed pro, you might offer a number just to make the negotiation go faster. — location: [2120](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2120) ^ref-8739 --- When confronted with naming your terms or price, counter by recalling a similar deal which establishes your “ballpark,” albeit the best possible ballpark you wish to be in. Instead of saying, “I’m worth $110,000,” Jerry might have said, “At top places like X Corp., people in this job get between $130,000 and $170,000.” — location: [2127](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2127) ^ref-39862 --- That gets your point across without moving the other party into a defensive position. — location: [2130](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2130) ^ref-51286 --- Research shows that people who hear extreme anchors unconsciously adjust their expectations in the direction of the opening number. Many even go directly to their price limit. — location: [2130](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2130) ^ref-5880 --- job applicants who named a range received significantly higher overall salaries than those who offered a number, especially if their range was a “bolstering range,” in which the low number in the range was what they actually wanted. Understand, if you offer a range (and it’s a good idea to do so) expect them to come in at the low end. — location: [2134](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2134) ^ref-36697 --- All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs. Don’t let yourself be fooled by the surface. Once you know that the Haitian kidnappers just want party money, you will be miles better prepared. — location: [2240](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2240) ^ref-18511 --- ■    Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides. — location: [2242](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2242) ^ref-29868 --- Approaching deadlines entice people to rush the negotiating process and do impulsive things that are against their best interests. — location: [2244](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2244) ^ref-8763 --- The F-word—“Fair”—is an emotional term people usually exploit to put the other side on the defensive and gain concessions. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don’t get suckered into a concession. Instead, ask them to explain how you’re mistreating them. — location: [2246](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2246) ^ref-49538 --- by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your “real” offer seem reasonable, or use a range to seem less aggressive. The real value of anything depends on what vantage point you’re looking at it from. — location: [2249](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2249) ^ref-17309 --- ■    People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction. — location: [2252](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2252) ^ref-43159 --- Most important, we learned that successful negotiation involved getting your counterpart to do the work for you and suggest your solution himself. It involved giving him the illusion of control while you, in fact, were the one defining the conversation. The tool we developed is something I call the calibrated, or open-ended, question. What it does is remove aggression from conversations by acknowledging the other side openly, without resistance. In doing so, it lets you introduce ideas and requests without sounding pushy. It allows you to nudge. — location: [2274](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2274) ^ref-64098 --- all negotiation, done well, should be an information-gathering process that vests your counterpart in an outcome that serves you. — location: [2368](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2368) ^ref-63374 --- But if you can get the other side to drop their unbelief, you can slowly work them to your point of view on the back of their energy, — location: [2399](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2399) ^ref-26903 --- Our job as persuaders is easier than we think. It’s not to get others believing what we say. It’s just to stop them unbelieving. Once we achieve that, the game’s half-won. — location: [2403](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2403) ^ref-32213 --- Giving your counterpart the illusion of control by asking calibrated questions—by asking for help—is one of the most powerful tools for suspending unbelief. — location: [2405](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2405) ^ref-63403 --- First off, calibrated questions avoid verbs or words like “can,” “is,” “are,” “do,” or “does.” These are closed-ended questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or a “no.” Instead, they start with a list of words people know as reporter’s questions: “who,” “what,” “when,” “where,” “why,” and “how.” Those words inspire your counterpart to think and then speak expansively. — location: [2453](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2453) ^ref-8836 --- But let me cut the list even further: it’s best to start with “what,” “how,” and sometimes “why.” Nothing else. “Who,” “when,” and “where” will often just get your counterpart to share a fact without thinking. And “why” can backfire. Regardless of what language the word “why” — location: [2457](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2457) ^ref-31809 --- when the defensiveness that is created supports the change you are trying to get them to see. “Why would you ever change from the way you’ve always done things and try my approach?” is an example. “Why would your company ever change from your long-standing vendor and choose our company?” is another. As always, tone — location: [2460](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2460) ^ref-58544 --- of voice, respectful and deferential, is critical. — location: [2463](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2463) ^ref-64605 --- What about this is important to you? — location: [2473](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2473) ^ref-52621 --- How would you like me to proceed? — location: [2475](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2475) ^ref-8477 --- ■    How can we solve this problem? — location: [2477](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2477) ^ref-18111 --- What’s the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here? — location: [2478](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2478) ^ref-10546 --- How am I supposed to do that? — location: [2480](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2480) ^ref-55144 --- “How” questions will convince them that the final solution is their idea. And that’s crucial. People always make more effort to implement a solution when they think it’s theirs. That is simply human nature. That’s why negotiation is often called “the art of letting someone else have your way.” — location: [2683](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2683) ^ref-29793 --- There are two key questions you can ask to push your counterparts to think they are defining success their way: “How will we know we’re on track?” and “How will we address things if we find we’re off track?” When they answer, you summarize their answers until you get a “That’s right.” Then you’ll know they’ve bought in. — location: [2685](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2685) ^ref-40225 --- As I’ve noted, when they say, “You’re right,” it’s often a good indicator they are not vested in what is being discussed. And when you push for implementation and they say, “I’ll try,” you should get a sinking feeling in your stomach. Because this really means, “I plan to fail.” — location: [2689](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2689) ^ref-40755 --- dive back in with calibrated “How” questions until they define the terms of successful implementation in their own voice. Follow up by summarizing what they have said to get a “That’s right.” — location: [2691](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2691) ^ref-34343 --- Let the other side feel victory. Let them think it was their idea. Subsume your ego. Remember: “Yes” is nothing without “How.” So keep asking “How?” And succeed. — location: [2693](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2693) ^ref-51231 --- Yes, few hostage-takers—and few business deal makers—fly solo. But for the most part, there are almost always other players, people who can act as deal makers or deal killers. If you truly want to get to “Yes” and get your deal implemented, you have to discover how to affect these individuals. — location: [2710](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2710) ^ref-60669 --- When implementation happens by committee, the support of that committee is key. — location: [2713](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2713) ^ref-11984 --- That can be easy as asking a few calibrated questions, like “How does this affect the rest of your team?” or “How on board are the people not on this call?” or simply “What do your colleagues see as their main challenges in this area?” — location: [2714](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2714) ^ref-6314 --- You have to beware of “behind the table” or “Level II” players—that is, parties that are not directly involved but who can help implement agreements they like and block ones they don’t. — location: [2718](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2718) ^ref-3280 --- single word when you present options—like using “not lose” instead of “keep”—can unconsciously influence the conscious choices your counterpart makes. — location: [2744](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2744) ^ref-42839 --- You see, it’s best not to go chin to chin with aggressiveness like that of Alastair’s kidnapper; rather, default to using “what” and “how” questions to avoid making bids or adjusting your own negotiating position. Dodge and weave. — location: [2770](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2770) ^ref-25796 --- pay very close attention to tone and body language to make sure they match up with the literal meaning of the words. If they don’t align, it’s quite possible that the speaker is lying or at least unconvinced. — location: [2792](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2792) ^ref-44682 --- When someone’s tone of voice or body language does not align with the meaning of the words they say, use labels to discover the source of the incongruence. — location: [2793](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2793) ^ref-35479 --- three kinds of “Yes”: Commitment, Confirmation, and Counterfeit. — location: [2804](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2804) ^ref-30512 --- many pushy salesman try to trap their clients into the Commitment “Yes” that many people get very good at the Counterfeit “Yes. “ One great tool for avoiding this trap is the Rule of Three. The Rule of Three is simply getting the other guy to agree to the same thing three times in the same conversation. — location: [2805](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2805) ^ref-57144 --- The first time they agree to something or give you a commitment, that’s No. 1. For No. 2 you might label or summarize what they said so they answer, “That’s right.” And No. 3 could be a calibrated “How” or “What” question about implementation that asks them to explain what will constitute success, something like “What do we do if we get off track?” — location: [2811](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2811) ^ref-7601 --- liars use more words than truth tellers and use far more third-person pronouns. They start talking about him, her, it, one, they, and their rather than I, in order to put some distance between themselves and the lie. — location: [2822](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2822) ^ref-54906 --- liars tend to speak in more complex sentences in an attempt to win over their suspicious counterparts. — location: [2824](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2824) ^ref-40842 --- The more in love they are with “I,” “me,” and “my” the less important they are. Conversely, the harder it is to get a first person pronoun out of a negotiator’s mouth, the more important they are. — location: [2830](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2830) ^ref-63063 --- smart decision makers don’t want to be cornered at the table into making a decision. They will defer to the people away from the table to keep from getting pinned down. — location: [2832](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2832) ^ref-50666 --- using your own name creates the dynamic of — location: [2842](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2842) ^ref-58811 --- “forced empathy.” It makes the other side see you as a person. — location: [2842](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2842) ^ref-7833 --- decided to try another angle. I said in a friendly manner, “My name is Chris. What’s the Chris discount?” — location: [2853](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2853) ^ref-37035 --- Humanize yourself. Use your name to introduce yourself. Say it in a fun, friendly way. Let them enjoy the interaction, too. And get your own special price. — location: [2856](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2856) ^ref-57764 --- “How am I supposed to do that?” — location: [2863](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2863) ^ref-40553 --- Properly delivered, it invites the other side to participate in your dilemma and solve it with a better offer. — location: [2864](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2864) ^ref-21952 --- some version of “Your offer is very generous, I’m sorry, that just doesn’t work for me” is an elegant second way to say “No.” — location: [2865](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2865) ^ref-58465 --- the use of “generous” nurtures your counterpart to live up to the word. The “I’m sorry” also softens the “No” and builds empathy. — location: [2867](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2867) ^ref-13133 --- “I’m sorry but I’m afraid I just can’t do that.” — location: [2869](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2869) ^ref-60747 --- “I’m sorry, no” is a slightly more succinct version for the fourth “No.” If delivered gently, it barely sounds negative at all. — location: [2871](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2871) ^ref-37535 --- negotiation is a playing field beneath the words, where really getting to a good deal involves detecting and manipulating subtle, nonobvious signals beneath the surface. It is only by visualizing and modifying these subsurface issues that you can craft a great deal and make sure that it is implemented. — location: [2931](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2931) ^ref-64618 --- most important concept. That is, “Yes” is nothing without “How.” Asking “How,” knowing “How,” and defining “How” are all part of the effective negotiator’s arsenal. He would be unarmed without them. — location: [2934](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2934) ^ref-3502 --- Ask calibrated “How” questions, and ask them again and again. Asking “How” keeps your counterparts engaged but off balance. — location: [2937](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2937) ^ref-19134 --- Use “How” questions to shape the negotiating environment. You do this by using “How can I do that?” as a gentle version of “No.” This will subtly push your counterpart to search for other solutions—your solutions. And very often it will get them to bid against themselves. — location: [2939](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2939) ^ref-63866 --- Don’t just pay attention to the people you’re negotiating with directly; always identify the motivations of the players “behind the table.” You can do so by asking how a deal will affect everybody else and how on board they are. — location: [2942](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2942) ^ref-46209 --- paying close attention to tone of voice and body language. Incongruence between the words and nonverbal signs will show when your counterpart is lying or uncomfortable with a deal. — location: [2945](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2945) ^ref-59497 --- ■    Is the “Yes” real or counterfeit? Test it with the Rule of Three: use calibrated questions, summaries, and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times. It’s really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction. — location: [2947](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2947) ^ref-10223 --- ■    A person’s use of pronouns offers deep insights into his or her relative authority. If you’re hearing a lot of “I,” “me,” and “my,” the real power to decide probably lies elsewhere. Picking up a lot of “we,” “they,” and “them,” it’s more likely you’re dealing directly with a savvy decision maker keeping his options open. — location: [2950](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2950) ^ref-12975 --- Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side and even get your own personal discount. — location: [2953](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2953) ^ref-56440 --- Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks. — location: [2954](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2954) ^ref-30176 --- No part of a negotiation induces more anxiety and unfocused aggression than bargaining, which is why it’s the part that is more often fumbled and mishandled than any other. — location: [2994](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=2994) ^ref-46906 --- Keenon had been playing with me the entire time, using the psychological tool that works most effectively with assertive guys like me: the mirror. — location: [3014](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3014) ^ref-40557 --- people fall into three broad categories. Some people are Accommodators; others—like me—are basically Assertive; and the rest are data-loving Analysts. — location: [3024](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3024) ^ref-47703 --- Blunt assertion is actually counterproductive most of the time. — location: [3030](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3030) ^ref-13131 --- To be good, you have to learn to be yourself at the bargaining table. To be great you have to add to your strengths, not replace them. — location: [3033](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3033) ^ref-60920 --- ANALYST Analysts are methodical and diligent. They are not in a big rush. Instead, they believe that as long as they are working toward the best result in a thorough and systematic way, time is of little consequence. Their self-image is linked to minimizing mistakes. Their motto: As much time as it takes to get it right. — location: [3035](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3035) ^ref-62556 --- They are reserved problem solvers, and information aggregators, and are hypersensitive to reciprocity. They will give you a piece, but if they don’t get a piece in return within a certain period of time, they lose trust and will disengage. — location: [3043](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3043) ^ref-42151 --- the fact that they are talking to you at all is, from their perspective, a concession. — location: [3046](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3046) ^ref-55594 --- They will often view concessions by their counterpart as a new piece of information to be taken back and evaluated. Don’t expect immediate counterproposals from them. — location: [3046](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3046) ^ref-50882 --- People like this are skeptical by nature. So asking too many questions to start is a bad idea, because they’re not going to want to answer until they understand all the implications. — location: [3047](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3047) ^ref-45510 --- With them, it’s vital to be prepared. Use clear data to drive your reason; don’t ad-lib; use data comparisons to disagree and focus on the facts; warn them of issues early; and avoid surprises. — location: [3049](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3049) ^ref-29490 --- you feel they don’t see things the way you do, give them a chance to think first. Apologies have — location: [3051](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3051) ^ref-3417 --- little value to them since they see the negotiation and their relationship with you as a person largely as separate things. They respond fairly well in the moment to labels. They are not quick to answer calibrated questions, or closed-ended questions when the answer is “Yes.” They may need a few days to respond. — location: [3052](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3052) ^ref-41907 --- ACCOMMODATOR The most important thing to this type of negotiator is the time spent building the relationship. Accommodators think as long as there is a free-flowing continuous exchange of information time is being well spent. As long as they’re communicating, they’re happy. Their goal is to be on great terms with their counterpart. They love — location: [3057](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3057) ^ref-30462 --- the win-win. Of the three types, they are most likely to build great rapport without actually accomplishing anything. — location: [3060](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3060) ^ref-36035 --- If your counterparts are sociable, peace-seeking, optimistic, distractible, and poor time managers, they’re probably Accommodators. — location: [3063](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3063) ^ref-33745 --- Listen to them talk about their ideas and use calibrated questions focused specifically on implementation to nudge them along and find ways to translate their talk into action. — location: [3065](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3065) ^ref-25072 --- Due to their tendency to be the first to activate the reciprocity cycle, they may have agreed to give you something they can’t actually deliver. — location: [3066](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3066) ^ref-25047 --- While it is very easy to disagree with an Accommodator, because they want nothing more than to hear what you have to say, uncovering their objections can be difficult. They will have identified — location: [3069](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3069) ^ref-21813 --- potential problem areas beforehand and will leave those areas unaddressed out of fear of the conflict they may cause. — location: [3071](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3071) ^ref-21106 --- ASSERTIVE The Assertive type believes time is money; every wasted minute is a wasted dollar. Their self-image is linked to how many things they can get accomplished in a period of time. For them, getting the solution perfect isn’t as important as getting it done. — location: [3076](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3076) ^ref-10081 --- Assertives are fiery people who love winning above all else, often at the expense of others. Their colleagues and counterparts never question where they stand because they are always direct and candid. They — location: [3078](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3078) ^ref-62148 --- Most of all, the Assertive wants to be heard. And not only do they want to be heard, but they don’t actually have the ability to listen to you until they know that you’ve heard them. They focus on their own goals rather than people. And they tell rather than ask. — location: [3081](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3081) ^ref-4485 --- dealing with Assertive types, it’s best to focus on what they have to say, because once they are convinced you understand them, then and only then will they listen for your point of view. — location: [3083](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3083) ^ref-16733 --- To an Assertive, every silence is an opportunity to speak more. Mirrors are a wonderful tool with this type. So are calibrated questions, labels, and summaries. The most important thing to get from an Assertive will be a “that’s right” that may come in the form of a “that’s it exactly” or “you hit it on the head.” — location: [3084](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3084) ^ref-48336 --- If you are an Assertive, be particularly conscious of your tone. You will not intend to be overly harsh but you will often come off that way. Intentionally soften your tone and work to make it more pleasant. Use calibrated questions and labels with your counterpart since that will also make you more approachable and increase the chances for collaboration. — location: [3090](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3090) ^ref-56495 --- We’ve seen how each of these groups views the importance of time differently (time = preparation; time = relationship; time = money). — location: [3093](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3093) ^ref-46324 --- They also have completely different interpretations of silence. — location: [3094](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3094) ^ref-6475 --- But it turned out that he went silent; for an Accommodator type, silence is anger. For Analysts, though, silence means they want to think. And Assertive types interpret your silence as either you don’t have anything to say or you want them to talk. I’m one, so I know: the only time I’m silent is when I’ve run out of things to say. — location: [3096](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3096) ^ref-17436 --- The funny thing is when these cross over. When an Analyst pauses to think, their Accommodator counterpart gets nervous and an Assertive one starts talking, thereby annoying the Analyst, who thinks to herself, Every time I try to think you take that as an opportunity to talk some more. Won’t you ever shut up? — location: [3099](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3099) ^ref-30273 --- (I’ve got a complementary PDF available that will help you identify your type and that of those around you. Please visit http://info .blackswanltd.com/3-types.) — location: [3113](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3113) ^ref-55826 --- Experienced negotiators often lead with a ridiculous offer, an extreme anchor. And if you’re not prepared to handle it, you’ll lose your moorings and immediately go to your maximum. — location: [3120](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3120) ^ref-9867 --- As a well-prepared negotiator who seeks information and gathers it relentlessly, you’re actually going to want the other guy to name a price first, because you want to see his hand. You’re going to welcome the extreme anchor. But extreme anchoring is powerful and you’re human: your emotions may well up. If they do there are ways to weather the storm without bidding against yourself or responding with anger. Once you learn these tactics, you’ll be prepared to withstand the hit and counter with panache. First, deflect the punch in a way that opens up your counterpart. Successful negotiators often say “No” in one of the many ways we’ve talked about (“How am I supposed to accept that?”) or deflect the anchor with questions like “What are we trying to accomplish here?” Responses like these are great ways to refocus your counterpart when you feel you’re being pulled into the compromise trap. You can also respond to a punch-in-the-face anchor by simply pivoting to terms. What I mean by this is that when you feel you’re being dragged into a haggle you can detour the conversation to the nonmonetary issues that make any final price work. You can do this directly by saying, in an encouraging tone of voice, “Let’s put price off to the side for a moment and talk about what would make this — location: [3122](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3122) ^ref-56821 --- make that a good price for me?” And if the other side pushes you to go first, wriggle from his grip. Instead of naming a price, allude to an incredibly high number that someone else might charge. — location: [3132](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3132) ^ref-43694 --- “Well, if you go to Harvard Business School, they’re going to charge you $2,500 a day per student.” — location: [3135](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3135) ^ref-8333 --- Anger shows passion and conviction that can help sway the other side to accept less. However, by heightening your counterpart’s sensitivity to danger and fear, your anger reduces the resources they have for other cognitive activity, setting them up to make bad concessions that will likely lead to implementation problems, thus reducing your gains. — location: [3166](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3166) ^ref-42994 --- Also beware: researchers have also found that disingenuous expressions of unfelt anger—you know, faking it—backfire, leading to intractable demands and destroying trust. For anger to be effective, it has to be real, the key for it is to be under control because anger also reduces our cognitive ability. And so when someone puts out a ridiculous offer, one that really pisses you off, take a deep breath, allow little anger, and channel it—at the proposal, not the person—and say, “I don’t see how that would ever work.” — location: [3169](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3169) ^ref-20118 --- Such well-timed offense-taking—known as “strategic umbrage”—can wake your counterpart to the problem. — location: [3173](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3173) ^ref-40186 --- people on the receiving end of strategic umbrage were more likely to rate themselves as overassertive, even when the counterpart didn’t think so.3 The real lesson here is being aware of how this might be used on you. Please don’t allow yourself to fall victim to “strategic umbrage.” Threats delivered without anger but with “poise”—that is, confidence and self-control—are great tools. Saying, “I’m sorry that just doesn’t work for me,” with poise, works. — location: [3174](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3174) ^ref-55523 --- “Why?” effectively. The idea is to employ the — location: [3184](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3184) ^ref-23477 --- defensiveness the question triggers to get your counterpart to defend your position. — location: [3185](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3185) ^ref-58486 --- I know it sounds weird, but it works. The basic format goes like this: When you want to flip a dubious counterpart to your side, ask them, “Why would you do that?” but in a way that the “that” favors you. Let me explain. If you are working to lure a client away from a competitor, — location: [3185](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3185) ^ref-54869 --- you might say, “Why would you ever do business with me? Why would you ever change from your existing supplier? They’re great!” In these questions, the “Why?” coaxes your counterpart into working for you. — location: [3187](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3187) ^ref-28104 --- The traditional “I” message is to use “I” to hit the pause button and step out of a bad dynamic. When you want to counteract unproductive statements from your counterpart, you can say, “I feel ___ when you ___ because ___,” and that demands a time-out from the other person. — location: [3193](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3193) ^ref-41055 --- We’ve said previously that no deal is better than a bad deal. If you feel you can’t say “No” then you’ve taken yourself hostage. Once you’re clear on what your bottom line is, you have to be willing to walk away. Never be needy for a deal. — location: [3197](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3197) ^ref-60096 --- vital principle to keep in mind is never to look at your counterpart as an enemy. The person across the table is never the problem. The unsolved issue is. So focus on the issue. This is one of the most basic tactics for avoiding emotional escalations. — location: [3202](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3202) ^ref-50409 --- Set your target price (your goal).         2.      Set your first offer at 65 percent of your target price.         3.      Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85, 95, and 100 percent).         4.      Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying “No” to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer.         5.      When calculating the final amount, use precise, nonround numbers like, say, $37,893 rather than $38,000. It gives the number credibility and weight. — location: [3227](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3227) ^ref-57561 --- On your final number, throw in a nonmonetary item (that they probably don’t want) to show you’re at your limit. — location: [3235](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3235) ^ref-36625 --- worldview your counterpart uses to make decisions, you show them respect and that gets you attention and results. — location: [3548](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3548) ^ref-25568 --- Using your counterpart’s religion is extremely effective in large part because it has authority over them. The other guy’s “religion” is what the market, the experts, God, or society—whatever matters to him—has determined to be fair and just. And people defer to that authority. — location: [3551](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3551) ^ref-39203 --- ■   Black Swans are leverage multipliers. Remember the three types of leverage: positive (the ability to give someone what they want); negative (the ability to hurt someone); and normative (using your counterpart’s norms to bring them around). — location: [3792](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3792) ^ref-37193 --- Work to understand the other side’s “religion.” Digging into worldviews inherently implies moving beyond the negotiating table and into the life, emotional and otherwise, of your counterpart. That’s where Black Swans live. — location: [3794](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3794) ^ref-35815 --- Review everything you hear from your counterpart. You will not hear everything the first time, so double-check. Compare notes with team members. Use backup listeners whose job is to listen between the lines. They will hear things you miss. ■   Exploit the similarity principle. People are more apt to concede to someone they share a cultural similarity with, so dig for what makes them tick and show that you share common ground. ■   When someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely aren’t. Faced with this situation, search for constraints, hidden desires, and bad information. ■   Get face time with your counterpart. Ten minutes of face time often reveals more than days of research. Pay special attention to your counterpart’s verbal and nonverbal communication at unguarded moments—at the beginning and the end of the session or when someone says something out of line. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This — location: [3796](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B014DUR7L2&location=3796) ^ref-48834 ---