# The Science of Likability ## Metadata * Author: [Patrick King](https://www.amazon.comundefined) * ASIN: B073LWGMB9 * Reference: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B073LWGMB9 * [Kindle link](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9) ## Highlights If we want to make someone angry with us, we know what to do and how to adjust our behavior. Likability can also be that simple. — location: [127](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=127) ^ref-63778 --- When people subconsciously begin to associate you with positive moods and emotions, you are going to be the bell that makes people smile without realizing why. — location: [135](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=135) ^ref-13225 --- Memories were heavily linked to the context, environment, events, and moods that were present at the time of the memory. — location: [138](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=138) ^ref-58716 --- our current moods are highly linked to the type — location: [147](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=147) ^ref-5030 --- Charismatic and likable people are partially so because they make the people around them feel good and energized. This — location: [172](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=172) ^ref-37811 --- First, positivity pays off. People enjoy being happy, so they will naturally want to be around the causes of their happiness. — location: [223](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=223) ^ref-43861 --- You'll be surprised how effective staying in a good mood, putting on a happy face, praising others, and complimenting others can be. In our — location: [225](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=225) ^ref-43686 --- Pay attention especially to compliments you can pay in recognizing something that someone has put effort into. This shows an extra layer of thought and care. — location: [236](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=236) ^ref-24266 --- Benjamin Franklin’s claim that he could easily turn an enemy into a friend with one simple act—asking them for a favor. — location: [286](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=286) ^ref-64501 --- If you can’t think of an appropriate favor to ask of your enemies or frenemies, a helpful guideline is the three-minute rule. Ask them for something that will take no longer or shorter than three minutes. Don’t burden them unnecessarily, but don’t make it seem like you are hopeless and helpless. — location: [331](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=331) ^ref-62140 --- Value in a friendship or relationship is usually measured in emotional terms. If people make us feel positive emotions, they have value to us, and we want them around because — location: [376](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=376) ^ref-42074 --- known as equity theory—the tendency for humans to compare what they have in relation to others (Adams, 1963). — location: [403](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=403) ^ref-43766 --- If you see any situations where you benefit more, call them out publicly and make sure to rectify them as soon as possible. — location: [441](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=441) ^ref-43832 --- Equality and equity is one of the first foundations of friendship. The second foundation of friendship is similarity. — location: [456](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=456) ^ref-4873 --- According to Sigmund Freud’s theory of transference, acting like a good friend will cause people to see and welcome you like one. — location: [548](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=548) ^ref-57105 --- Thus, a key to likability is to have positive perceptions of people so they can become who we think they are. — location: [623](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=623) ^ref-12751 --- Assume the best of the people you’re speaking with and you will start treating them in a way that makes them like you more. — location: [638](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=638) ^ref-60097 --- The secret to effective negotiation can be summed up in one sentence: each party just wants to — location: [675](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=675) ^ref-11206 --- feel like they got a good deal and a win. — location: [676](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=676) ^ref-37923 --- There are two steps. The first step is to ask for a huge and borderline unreasonable amount (of money, for example) upfront. This is something you want to shock people with and have them declare that you are insane for. The second step is to back off substantially and ask for an amount that is closer to your actual goal. — location: [701](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=701) ^ref-47913 --- There are also two steps here. First, you ask for small favors or concessions, anything to gain a degree of agreement or compliance, and basically an open mind in the person across from you. The second step is to gradually work up to your desired ask. — location: [741](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=741) ^ref-47485 --- Both of these techniques take advantage of comparison. DITF makes your goal appear reasonable, while FITD makes your goal appear well-reasoned and justified. — location: [766](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=766) ^ref-19037 --- Friendship and trust increase linearly with simple interaction and exposure. The more we see someone, the more likely we will become friends with them and come to trust them. — location: [797](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=797) ^ref-22694 --- This was dubbed the Propinquity Effect. — location: [798](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=798) ^ref-6343 --- Repetition creates trust. — location: [816](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=816) ^ref-36323 --- the Mere Exposure Effect, which similarly states the more we see something, the more we like it because we prefer familiarity. — location: [836](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=836) ^ref-17539 --- Scientifically speaking, there is a wealth of subtle signs that can either bolster someone’s credibility or tank it. If you’ve had any media training, or simply — location: [849](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=849) ^ref-35968 --- Highlight your experience and your qualifications. — location: [858](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=858) ^ref-53870 --- Display how much you care. — location: [865](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=865) ^ref-34720 --- Similarity. — location: [871](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=871) ^ref-55161 --- Appear assertive. — location: [877](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=877) ^ref-34467 --- Gain social proof.   When other credible people recommend you, chances are people will be less suspicious of you. — location: [882](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=882) ^ref-30863 --- Don’t contradict yourself. — location: [890](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=890) ^ref-31949 --- Avoid being overly polite. — location: [897](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=897) ^ref-1501 --- prevailing theories on friendship acquisition — location: [928](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=928) ^ref-36055 --- called the stimulus-value-role model. — location: [929](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=929) ^ref-7682 --- Downplay anything you think people might feel compelled to make comparisons with. — location: [1004](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1004) ^ref-16593 --- When you are working together, focus on the shared goal at hand and not individual contributions. Everything is equal in pursuit of the goal; you don’t want to trigger the negative consequences of competition. — location: [1006](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1006) ^ref-56711 --- Not being perfect is endearing to people. Vulnerability is attractive, relatable, and also ensures that you aren’t intimidating to others. Don’t pretend you’re perfect. — location: [1056](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1056) ^ref-32443 --- In fact, consciously display the opposite. — location: [1058](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1058) ^ref-14051 --- When we display imperfection, we appear more approachable and relatable—overall more human. — location: [1068](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1068) ^ref-42726 --- The more important, unspoken element of showing flaws is that you are making others comfortable and easing their fear of judgment. That’s one of the reasons we are really uncomfortable around perfection—because we feel we will be judged and inevitably come up short. — location: [1069](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1069) ^ref-50960 --- But when you commit a silly error, show a chink in your armor, or overall destroy any mystique people might have about you, that all changes. You become human and more likable. — location: [1076](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1076) ^ref-17490 --- call yourself out when you have made a mistake. — location: [1099](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1099) ^ref-9285 --- Finally, you can make sure to freely bring up or admit embarrassing things about yourself, — location: [1100](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1100) ^ref-15748 --- The Losada Ratio is essentially the ratio of how much positive feedback is required to lessen the sting of negative feedback. — location: [1111](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1111) ^ref-59998 --- Losada discovered the amount of positivity it took to reduce the impact from negativity was roughly 5.6:1—which means in order to make someone feel good about any amount of negative or critical feedback, you need to make six positive statements to maintain a healthy work relationship. — location: [1117](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1117) ^ref-47410 --- If you want to be likable, load up on positive statements during the course of the conversation—especially if you know you’re going to have to deliver anything remotely negative. — location: [1123](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1123) ^ref-19190 --- If you know you have to deliver a negative statement, make sure to use the bulk of the positivity afterwards, because only then will you be directly counteracting the effects of the negativity. — location: [1126](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1126) ^ref-26287 --- The final specific way to be more endearing and enjoyable is to ask people for advice and revere them as experts. — location: [1139](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1139) ^ref-37166 --- Reactance theory — location: [1202](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1202) ^ref-64871 --- The six types of leaders are:   Visionary: “Come with me to a better world.” Coaching: “Try this, you might learn from it.” Affiliate: “Only if everyone feels good about it.” Democratic: “What does everyone think?” Pace-setting: “Do more faster.” Commanding: “Do what I say.” — location: [1301](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1301) ^ref-57562 --- The visionary leader is someone who motivates because they can speak to people’s desire to be part of something bigger than themselves. — location: [1314](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1314) ^ref-12569 --- They persuaded people this was a vision worth aiming toward and brought it into reality.   A drawback of the visionary leader is they may fall short when trying to motivate those who have different overall visions, even if they only differentiate by a little bit. — location: [1325](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1325) ^ref-36179 --- The coaching leader tries to deliver it to them so they feel they are working toward something they specifically want. Understandably, this is motivating because it allows people to feel selfish in an acceptable way. — location: [1345](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1345) ^ref-9541 --- A coaching leader often produces a high degree of loyalty because people have a sense of how much their improvement and accomplishments are due to this leader. — location: [1353](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1353) ^ref-2720 --- The drawback is they can easily come off as micromanaging. — location: [1355](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1355) ^ref-58689 --- The pace-setting leader is all about milestones, deliverables, and performance. — location: [1396](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1396) ^ref-60511 --- They will challenge, prod, and even offend if things aren’t up to par. But everything is for the sake of the team’s accomplishments. Often, the pace-setting leader has done these things themselves and is leading by stellar example, — location: [1400](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1400) ^ref-4512 --- The most common downside to this type of emotional leadership is that it tends to be light on guidance and high on metrics and deliverables. — location: [1407](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1407) ^ref-28825 --- Thus, the pace-setting leader works best when dealing with people who are already competent and motivated. — location: [1414](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1414) ^ref-51577 --- However, if you're dealing with people who aren’t motivated or capable, the pace-setting leader is almost a waste because their main value can’t be used. They can take an organization from a 7 to a 10, but not necessarily a 3 to a 7. — location: [1417](kindle://book?action=open&asin=B073LWGMB9&location=1417) ^ref-16274 ---